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I've started this blog post three different times, each with a different theme. Each time I've answered some of my own questions, and I'm figuring out what it is that I really need. Obviously, what I need, and what I want, aren't always the same thing.
Needs are things that are naturally met for me, wants are things that I try to make happen. The first two versions of this post were my trying to figure out how to bring more knitting into my life right now. I haven't been playing with yarn as much as I *want* to. But, maybe that's not what I need right now.
A couple quotes just came to mind:
"It's just a phase, it will be over soon" Incubus
"I don't find any role interesting enough to be in it all the time" Ram Dass
It's comforting to be reminded that this is just a phase—that this too shall pass. When I just accept where I'm at, without leaning forward or back, then the natural flow of things will be able to unfold as needed.
The expectations of others is something I really need to let go of. I'm a freelance knit designer, but I have a full time job to pay the bills. It's important for me to remember that I don't NEED to design knitwear to make a living. I do it because I enjoy doing it. There are a few people I'm working with at the moment, on things that really do mean something to me. Things to help me grow spiritually, and to help the earth. I should really just concentrate on those, rather than trying to submit pretty, interestingly shaped garments to magazines, etc… Because obviously, I can't get myself to design those things right now.
Pretty recently, around the beginning of the cosmic new year—I'm not exactly sure when that was, but I remember someone posted about it on Twitter—I felt something shift. The first thing I noticed was that I stopped biting my fingernails. I just noticed one day that they were getting long, then realized that I had stopped. That was nice. Then my body was asking for more yoga, so I began going about 4 times a week or more. Then I began shifting my diet toward low-fat, raw, vegan. And around the same time, I stopped designing things that didn't have a deep, ingrained meaning to me... So, this is where I'm at right now. And it's okay to be here.
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